visiting the past

In a way i just did just that.
I spent a few days in Chicago with my big sister and some former co-workers from BOLIVIA. I then took a short flight over to Ohio and spent the rest of the weekend at the county fair, and visiting friends and family there. It was incredible and so good for my homesick heart. Not that it's not still homesick...

on disappointing others

I'm reading a book called Emotionally Healthy Spirituality. One thing that struck me as I was reading tonight was as the author was talking about how Jesus disappointed a lot of people.
His disciples held Him up to this imaginary model of the Messiah that they had dreamed up.
His parents expected Him to be a King.
His followers wanted Him to fix all their problems.

But. Mr. Scazzero goes on to show that because Jesus was secure in His father's love and what He had called Him to do, He was able to do what He had been called to do without becoming bitter with those who held unrealistic expectations and unfair judgments of Him.

I just thought that was interesting. That's all. Feel free to comment if you want...

Approaching Sunday with a Heavy Heart

On Monday "JR" will turn 18.
That means he can't be in our shelter anymore.

This particular boy holds a special place in my heart-
my boss said to me "you always like the underdogs, huh?"
...I guess it's true--It's the very small amount of mothering instinct that I possess.

I did JR's intake paperwork. I thought to myself, "this boy is pretty calm"....
Day 2: I arrive and it's like someone gave him a triple dose of HYPER!!
Now don't get me wrong, "JR" is not always a bad kid. In fact, when he wants to he can be quite charming. He holds no grudges. He laughs a lot. ...BUT, from that day on his point card was covered with negative points for hitting peers, jumping over furniture, throwing a globe at at teacher at school, calling names, bad table manners, you name it-he's done it.

Enter: family teaching model. Now this is definitely a trial and error process for me, but this is how we aspire to teach life-skills to the boys who are sent to us. It's basically feedback to appropriate and inappropriate behavior.

We've had talks--Me and JR--about...well, lots of things. But mostly about how violence is not an appropriate solution to problems, how God is the one who gives us the strength to change into men and women of character, and how character is so important. Honesty, Integrity, all of those things.
And now...he's leaving. Ugh. Not fair. Not yet. I feel like there's so much more I need to say, to show, to do.

This particular boy came from a very rough background. No parents. Ran around as part of a street gang with a very big gun. 'Though he said he never killed anyone, he just riled everyone up. He swore to me that he'd never return to that life. And while I want to believe him, I know that I'm just me. An American girl working at a shelter he was in for 2 months in Texas. So what?
This is the hard part: I hand it over to God. I'm no fool, I know that in me, there is no power to change a person. That responsibility rests solely with The King of the Universe. And he cares about JR a lot more than I do, and wants the best for him even more than I do.

So why do I write all of this? I don't know... it's therapeutic. But I hope maybe in reading this, you'll send up a prayer for "JR". And the 450 other ones who have already passed through the shelter within the past two years since the program opened with similar stories.

And here's how he's changed. Now dinner time is much more pleasant. JR doesn't talk the whole time and actually finishes the same time as everyone else. He even serves me sometimes. He earns a fraction of the negative points from before. He is still his boisterous self, but channels it into a hardcore soccer game, or intense arm wrestling match, or ...karaoke night.

On Being Content.

An attitude adjustment can make a world of difference.

So I've been in the process for learning this for what feels like an eternity. I guess it's only been about 20 some years though.

Lately especially I've been having a pity party for myself. I'll give you an example [or five!]:
"If only I had some good friends here then my life would come together".
(or "...if only my job and home were 30 minutes closer to each other...";
"...I could get into grad school...";
"...my Mr. Right would walk into my life...";
"...I could find a great church...";
...You get the idea). Doesn't God WANT me to have these things?

I began to feel that perhaps ...
the faint at heart may want to stop here...



God was holding out on me.
Gasp! I know I shouldn't even think such things.
But in my heart I was thinking this as I was out running one morning in the sweltering heat.

When I got back to the house and was doing my devotions that very day, I read Psalm 84:11-12a

For the LORD God is a Sun and shield;
The LORD gives grace and glory;
no good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly.
Indeed the LORD will give what is good.

Oh.
Then I checked my e-mail. And what did I happen to find?
An acceptance letter to grad school. I laughed at my silliness, and God's sense of humor.
Okay, so I'm starting to get the point.

So I continue to quote this verse to myself over the next few weeks when I start to get frustrated and impatient.

Then on my 50 minute drive home from work yesterday, I thought to myself:
what do I really want?
So off I go listing my wishlist: Apartment, Friends, Church, Mr. Right, grad school, etc.
And then I thought, "so then what would my life look like?"
Would I really be content, or would I want back what I have right now?
If I had a lot of friends would I say to myself, "I wish I had an evening off just to read a book"?,
or if I had an apartment would I say to myself: "I wish I had more time to spend with my family"?
or if I had a "church" on which I was depending for all my spiritual nourishment would I forget to make the time to read my bible, journal and get spiritual nourishment from the resources I have?
Of course I would!! I'm human. I know myself.
And when I'm discontent
my circumstances are not going to change my attitude.
(...I'll just find something else to complain about.)

Somehow this little revelation made the biggest difference for me. Now I see that God really DOES have my best interests in mind. It wasn't an accident that He put me right here. That he put my family in here, and that He is helping me learn patience. And though I don't understand why some things have to take so long, I feel content.
All I can do is hang on to my Savior, my Strength and my Guide.

*Incidentally, even though I thought I wanted to go to grad school right now, I might actually wait another semester for different reasons. And I feel okay with that. :)

(Disclaimer* I do actually know the importance of the fellowship of the Saints and am in no way stating that I intend to float around indefinitely. Let's just say that the whole adjustment process has been draining on many different levels and I feel like I am finally starting to settle in and figure out what I'm doing.)


FYI: In English,
Contentment does not equal happiness. I would say more like PEACE>.

The Question Everyone's Asking.

Last week I was at work making sure that the boys were getting ready for bed, one boy walked out of the bathroom and paused a second.
"Miss, ...am I ugly?"
I was a bit taken aback, and said "nooo!"
"I'm not?" He asked still not convinced. "Then I'm good looking?"
"Yes." I smiled and nodded.
"Okay," he quietly said as he ducked into his bedroom.
I was a little bothered by the fact that he was concerned about that. But continued with my paperwork.
Not even five minutes later one of the other boys who had climbed up on his bunk-bed said, "Miss, am I happy...or am I dumb?" This boy has recently arrived and doesn't really know how to read or write. He's very happy always laughing. The boys sometimes make fun of him and tell him that he's stupid. Well, apparently this did bother the young man...even though he pretends it doesn't.
I told him that he was not dumb.
He somberly nodded and continued listening to his music.

Then I started thinking, these are both very good-looking, happy guys who make friends easily. Maybe he didn't really want to know if he was happy or dumb. Maybe the other boy wasn't fishing for a compliment. Maybe what they want to know--what we all want to know is, "Am I okay?" "Am I acceptable to you?" "Do you like me?" Well...maybe we want reassurance that we're not stupid or ugly either. But we care about what others think of us.
So you better believe that we are going to be exploring this deeper issue that is affecting these young men, and me, and probably everyone else I know...

Fortunately we can know that we ARE okay because we're made in the image of God. Not that we look like Him physically, and a lot of us don't even act like Him sometimes...but He made us. Here's what The Good Book says:

God created man in His own image,
in the image of God He created him;
male and female He created them.
God blessed them...
(Genesis 1:27-28A.)

And then it goes on to say,

God saw all that He had made, and behold, it was very good.
Genesis 1:31 (emphasis mine).

My former pastor preached a series one time on 'people in the image of God'. He reminded us that the way we treat people should be pleasing to God. Because WE are made in God's image, but the people we are interacting with are made in God's image too. So...basically we have no excuse for disrespecting anyone. Ever.

So Dear Friends, I'll leave you with one last [obvious] thought:
We are okay... We're better than okay. We are "very good". In fact it seems to imply that we are pleasing to God. It's like when you finish making something, and you get that satisfaction that you have outdone yourself...I kinda think that might be how God felt as he looked at us.

a Million Pieces [kinda like confetti].

In two years over 400 boys have passed through the shelter where I work. I've worked there about a month and probably about 20 boys have already [come and] gone.

It makes me kinda sad to think about all of "my kids" all over the world. It's not like I'll see them again, or be able to stay in contact with them. *Just part of my job.

So I thought about how God puts different people in our lives, and although we HOPE to touch their lives, they always touch ours. I know God has put me here, and so for the good and... hard days I know that I want to try my very best to touch and be touched by them.

I hear a lot of funny things, have some hard conversations and see some incredible changes in these kids.

So my heart will be all over the world once these kids leave with it (not to mention all the people I've been touched by in Ohio, Bolivia, and Mexico too) but little pieces of them will stick with me forever too.

NEVER say never.

I thought it would be a good idea to keep you updated on what I was doing post-Bolivia--since so much has changed. It's been a few months of adjustment-a little bit longer than expected!! But God's been faithful.

I had been working at Tractor Supply Company since January as a cashier. It was such a blessing having an easy job that was close by. I really liked my co-workers and customers. The work was pretty cool too--but as it goes, "all good things must come to an end"...but that doesn't mean that it's the best we ever get...

About two months ago my mom handed me the classifieds and announced that she had found a "perfect job" for me. It was a children's home with the Baptist Child and Family Services. That next week I randomly met the director of the International Children's Shelter at my work. I visited the shelter, and did an application for employment shortly thereafter. I was a little nervous about working with teenage boys who don't speak any English. But I felt such a peace about it that when I was offered the position I knew that was my new mission in life.

The shelter has two homes and holds up to 28 boys. They are all from South and Central America. It is a very structured program, but without an institutional feel. The shelter is basically a juvenile facility for "unaccompanied minors"--illegal immigrants. They stay for about "3 months--usually less, though sometimes more. They attend school on campus, have meals family style, do chores, and are able to play, watch tv, call home, and--this is the best part--learn about God!

I started this adventure on Tuesday and although I've been there 4 days, I love it! At least once a day I look around and thank God for this amazing opportunity. And at least five times a day, I ask myself if I can really do this! No doubt it will be a huge challenge-likely the biggest of my life-but at least I'm not on my own. The boys have been very friendly. The turnover rate is pretty high, as these kids are only here until they are deported or have paperwork finished to stay here. I've already said goodbye to three kids. That'll probably get kinda hard after a while.
*these are some of my favorite boys from my time in Bolivia!

Tonight was Jose Andres' last night. One of the boys asked if we could say a special prayer for him. Of COURSE we said yes! One of the staff asked the boys who would like to say the prayer,
Miss Kristina!! They, all too quickly, responded.
*deer in the headlights look!*
"well, uh..." I stammered, " I think it would be better if someone who spoke Spanish as a first language prayed", I mumbled to a true bilingual speaker staff-person who was standing next to me.
"Nope", he shook his head, "it will mean a lot to them if YOU pray".
"okay", I sighed, "I can do this". Meanwhile my mind was running a million miles a second trying to organize what I wanted to say and thinking of all the correct tenses.
We all got in a circle with Jose Andres in the middle.
...And my mind went blank. I struggled through a prayer, glad that God understood and hoping he put everything unjumbled in these boys' minds.

As soon as the boys got in bed I ran an errand to the other home, and realized that NEVER in my wildest imagination would I have pictured myself where I am. If I hadn't majored in Spanish (even though at the time I believed it was somewhat of a "worthless degree" without the teaching certificate) then I wouldn't have gone to Bolivia. If I hadn't gone to Bolivia, I would never have thought I could actually work with kids in this kind of setting. So here we see once again that God is SOOOO faithful! And doesn't give us more than we can handle.

Sooo...that's about it. My random new mission is working with teenage boys, who's first language is not the same as mine, and who are "at risk" kids. I'm pretty sure that at some time or another I told myself that I would never [be able to] do even one of those things.

Thanks for your love, prayers and support.
Kristen.